Roxanne K. Cottell
The Web's Infamous Aunty
Blog
Brain Tissue, 2...The Web's Infamous Aunty
The Way It Is
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Not the same for the gander, I see
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READ MY BLOG, DAMMIT- Click Here
The Day the President Came to Town
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READ MY BLOG, DAMMIT - here is the link
New Blog Posting to Brain Tissue, 2
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Please click the link to be taken to the new blog location
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Since it is that I don't care to copy and paste everything I write from one blog to another, the link to that blog is provided. Thank you for reading me all these years!! MAPU
Damned if I do and Damned if I don't...dammit
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I would love nothing more than to be very smug about certain things,
and yes, I have a right to be. I wont go on with specifics other than
to say that there are times in life when you just gotta realize that
you are damned if you do, and you are damned if you don't, and dammit,
this time, I am not so certain that I give a damn.
It isn't like I tried to lose my house, and it isn't like I told my old man "Hey, Dude- I want you to lose your fucking mind and treat me like crap," and then later find out that he is somewhat bi-polar - needs meds, can't cope without some sort of mantra that makes him realize that things are exactly how they are supposed to be, no matter how shitty it might seem. Life is funny - sometimes, when we love someone so much, and when that someone, or those someones, are treating us like the most tightly coiled pile of dog shit in the yard, we HAVE TO get angry with them, otherwise they never realize the hurt they are placing on people who they say they love, even though their actions show otherwise.
And let us examine that term, "love," for a moment, shall we? OK- NOW...
...at some point in time we have the kind of love that makes us turn to mush inside, and then one day we find out that our perfect love is somehow totally not who we expected...
...eventually, those people who we have done so much for over the course of their lives end up treating us like shit, and though it seems like the time that they are treating us like shit seems as though it is going to last forever, we figure out that no matter what, they still love us, even though they are behaving like the world's biggest asshole...
...people forget, or at least they act like they forget, that there are other people in the world who have bigger problems than what they think are there.
I don't want to sit here and injure my fingers by using them for bad instead of good- that me is gone like the wind. Something about losing everything in your life that you thought meant something for real has the propensity to humble you. I know this one for sure. Let's see...lost my house...then lost my rental...almost lost my old man...lost my truck...but I never lost hope, and now that I am sitting here in the middle of this pot of shit that I did not end up in all by myself, I sit and wonder what the hell it is that people think is such a big friggin' deal anymore? I mean, it could be way worse, right?
I mean, I could have lost a leg, and then I would never dance hula again.
I could have lost an eye, and then it probably wouldn't be a good idea to drive.
I could have lost my mind, but it's still early.
I guess my point is that when I had all those things, at the time, it seemed that they defined me, and now all I care about is a return to some semblance of normalcy.I couldn't care even the tiniest little bit about that damned house in the damned desert on that damned golf course (but it was nice while it lasted), and I don't really care about that big, green, gawd-damned truck (even though there are times when I miss the stupid thing...besides, the way things are going right now, it ain't like I won't have another one like it - but this time I want a red one...with chrome wheels, NOT black ones, and a matching red bed cover...I saw it, at the corner of Holt and Central in Montclair, or Claremont, it's there...), and I found out just how many friends I have, who in my family actually really cares about my situation enough to just let me get through it. I will not lie - THIS IS HARD!! And I don't like it, and frankly am sick to death of sleeping on the floor. Yet I cannot do anything about it. The husband is in a treatment program for whack-jobs, my job with the United Way is coming to an end soon, and I have to pay for the car that I am driving right now when instead I would rather be driving that truck on the corner of Holt and Central...no really, I would.
One day, when we all decide we will venture out into the mad-blue yonder of adulthood, sometime after the age of 25, we look back there and we realize that we don't know it all. In fact, knowing everything is not possible. We find out that we are not always right, are not always going to be everyone's favorite, figure out that we are not the center of the damned Universe. And that day is a hard day for anyone. Once the realization hits us that we are not the perfect piece of creation that we thought we were, we start to understand that we are not the sun and the world does not revolve around us.
This took me a little while to figure out. It took me a minute to digest that I am not always going to be everyone's favorite person all the time, sometimes not at anytime, and I totally fine with that. I don't want to be everyone's favorite, even if for years and years I was, because that is a HUGE sack of dog crap to lug around. Believe me - I have ENOUGH baggage to carry around as it is...lemme see...three kids...a looney husband...what else what else...oh shit! I think that those two things are probably enough on their own. Truly, I don't think that there are too many people who have the strength enough, let alone the balls enough, to deal with even that much. (OK, so my mom could, but we are not talking about her right now.)
Not one person walking the face of the earth is perfect, and until the day comes that I consider myself anything but really good, I neither will ever be perfect. You may ask yourself why I am writing this, but the truth is that I am not really sure. It isn't directed at anyone, and frankly if this writing offends anyone, then perhaps you ought to try to take a walk on the neighbor's pool, because you may then find out that my theory holds the water that you will never balance on top of, and that as good as you might be, you won't ever be perfect.
Not even close.
It isn't like I tried to lose my house, and it isn't like I told my old man "Hey, Dude- I want you to lose your fucking mind and treat me like crap," and then later find out that he is somewhat bi-polar - needs meds, can't cope without some sort of mantra that makes him realize that things are exactly how they are supposed to be, no matter how shitty it might seem. Life is funny - sometimes, when we love someone so much, and when that someone, or those someones, are treating us like the most tightly coiled pile of dog shit in the yard, we HAVE TO get angry with them, otherwise they never realize the hurt they are placing on people who they say they love, even though their actions show otherwise.
And let us examine that term, "love," for a moment, shall we? OK- NOW...
...at some point in time we have the kind of love that makes us turn to mush inside, and then one day we find out that our perfect love is somehow totally not who we expected...
...eventually, those people who we have done so much for over the course of their lives end up treating us like shit, and though it seems like the time that they are treating us like shit seems as though it is going to last forever, we figure out that no matter what, they still love us, even though they are behaving like the world's biggest asshole...
...people forget, or at least they act like they forget, that there are other people in the world who have bigger problems than what they think are there.
I don't want to sit here and injure my fingers by using them for bad instead of good- that me is gone like the wind. Something about losing everything in your life that you thought meant something for real has the propensity to humble you. I know this one for sure. Let's see...lost my house...then lost my rental...almost lost my old man...lost my truck...but I never lost hope, and now that I am sitting here in the middle of this pot of shit that I did not end up in all by myself, I sit and wonder what the hell it is that people think is such a big friggin' deal anymore? I mean, it could be way worse, right?
I mean, I could have lost a leg, and then I would never dance hula again.
I could have lost an eye, and then it probably wouldn't be a good idea to drive.
I could have lost my mind, but it's still early.
I guess my point is that when I had all those things, at the time, it seemed that they defined me, and now all I care about is a return to some semblance of normalcy.I couldn't care even the tiniest little bit about that damned house in the damned desert on that damned golf course (but it was nice while it lasted), and I don't really care about that big, green, gawd-damned truck (even though there are times when I miss the stupid thing...besides, the way things are going right now, it ain't like I won't have another one like it - but this time I want a red one...with chrome wheels, NOT black ones, and a matching red bed cover...I saw it, at the corner of Holt and Central in Montclair, or Claremont, it's there...), and I found out just how many friends I have, who in my family actually really cares about my situation enough to just let me get through it. I will not lie - THIS IS HARD!! And I don't like it, and frankly am sick to death of sleeping on the floor. Yet I cannot do anything about it. The husband is in a treatment program for whack-jobs, my job with the United Way is coming to an end soon, and I have to pay for the car that I am driving right now when instead I would rather be driving that truck on the corner of Holt and Central...no really, I would.
One day, when we all decide we will venture out into the mad-blue yonder of adulthood, sometime after the age of 25, we look back there and we realize that we don't know it all. In fact, knowing everything is not possible. We find out that we are not always right, are not always going to be everyone's favorite, figure out that we are not the center of the damned Universe. And that day is a hard day for anyone. Once the realization hits us that we are not the perfect piece of creation that we thought we were, we start to understand that we are not the sun and the world does not revolve around us.
This took me a little while to figure out. It took me a minute to digest that I am not always going to be everyone's favorite person all the time, sometimes not at anytime, and I totally fine with that. I don't want to be everyone's favorite, even if for years and years I was, because that is a HUGE sack of dog crap to lug around. Believe me - I have ENOUGH baggage to carry around as it is...lemme see...three kids...a looney husband...what else what else...oh shit! I think that those two things are probably enough on their own. Truly, I don't think that there are too many people who have the strength enough, let alone the balls enough, to deal with even that much. (OK, so my mom could, but we are not talking about her right now.)
Not one person walking the face of the earth is perfect, and until the day comes that I consider myself anything but really good, I neither will ever be perfect. You may ask yourself why I am writing this, but the truth is that I am not really sure. It isn't directed at anyone, and frankly if this writing offends anyone, then perhaps you ought to try to take a walk on the neighbor's pool, because you may then find out that my theory holds the water that you will never balance on top of, and that as good as you might be, you won't ever be perfect.
Not even close.
November Cometh
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I guess I have been having way too much fun at work. I get to show up when I want as long as it is within a reasonable time frame. I am technically an Account Manager but spend my days "toiling" away at my keyboard, writing content for the newsletter and the website, the majority of the people who I work with I truly do love (and if you are reading this and I do not talk to you and we both work in the same place and we have the chance to stop each other on the way to the coffee machine...well, you know), and my job does not suck horribly. It can get boring from time to time, but on the whole, it is a cool place to work. The bosses really like all of us and if they don't they are doing a swell job of hiding their feelings.
So on the long drive home today it dawned on me that I am going to have to find another job. I figure that since I love nonprofit, I might stay in nonprofit unless someone who works for an equally cool company and has equally cool higher-ups comes along and tells me that they have the perfect job for me that will utilize all the things that I am good at, who will not tell me that my work sucks, who will not sit there and judge me for showing up to work looking as though I were actually getting ready to go on some fabulous tour with Led Zeppelin (so I have this rock star-hippie-large teenager thing goin' on...so sue me) and act as though I am the headliner and they are the opening act (as IF). So anyhow it hits me- you know, that mixture of sadness and realization that the party indeed is almost over.
I learned a lot over the last few weeks, but nothing more important than my place in the world, or maybe being with the United Way of the Inland Valleys has just taught me that we are all here for a higher purpose, that we are supposed to be of service to one another and that no matter who we each are, we hold some special "thing" for the rest of the world. I never thought that I didn't have purpose, and I never thought that the reason that I would be where I am right now is because I would have to come to the decision to fight like hell for a maybe, or just fall easily into accepting that eventually, sooner than later, I will again be without a job - but it will not be for too long, lemme tell ya what!
I emailed the lady at the local United Way, for a job posted as a call center operator. I have heard horror stories about how grueling a call center is, and I know that deadlines are deadlines, and that more importantly, I am not just an employee of the United Way- I am a client, so who better to be the one who answers the phone than someone who has been there?
Yeah, that was my thinking, too.
I love "corporate", but I am SO not corporate (not that corporate is a bad thing..I think I just miss wearing jeans and slippah to work in). I am more...academia...more...rock-n-roll, baby...more...life and living than I am proving who I am by what I do. I am the new superhero...I am NonProfitChick.
I like working in a position where I am there to help other people, and I make no apologies for it, at least not now and not anymore. Why apologize? I like what I do, am glad that my degree and the fact that I am now working on my Bachelors (I just love saying it) helps me with doing important things like GETTING A DAMNED job...
I also learned one more thing - no matter WHAT anyone tells you, people LOVE to help, they love to give, they love to take care of. Most of all, people love being part of a community, be it a neighborhood, a group of coworkers, whatever - we are pack animals, us human beings, and because of this we roll with who we identify with.
Man, that says a WHOLE lot about me! And all of it good, if you can figure that one out!
MAPU
Fighting like a Girl
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I am sitting here very early on a Sunday morning and thinking about all
the events that have taken place in our lives just since July, and you
know what? We have been through some serious stuff, but we also have
emerged intact, sort of. I never thought that the day would come that I
would have to gently prod my husband to rehab, never thought that I
would have to resort to depending on others - what the hell? I was the
one who everyone depended on for so long that this is a very strange
feeling to me. It really is. But then when I think about it, I realize
that it is all good, we are all fine, and along the way here, we
learned a lot, I hope. OK- so I know that I learned a lot. Thank God for new days, new sunrises, new ideals about how life is supposed to work out. We never realize what it is that we are supposed to be doing with our lives until one day -BLAM!- it hits you, and you find out that the nice little white-picket fence life you had designed in your mind was fraught with negatives and you figured out that the reason it was like this is because you were no way going to live that ideal life if you were equally expected to be a stepford wife. I was made to believe all my life that the way the world works is that the mommies of the world stay home with the babies of the world and the daddies of the world go out and conquer the dragons of life and at the end of the day the daddies come home from being the dragon-slayer, put their feet up on the coffee table, ask for a beer and the remote, and then slap the mommies on the ass and call it a day. In my little view of the world there were no such things as divorce, as addiction, as abuse in any form, and in my little girl thinking there were such things as a prince showing up on a white horse and carrying the princess away on his horse, away into the grand, great nothingness of unsurety. The only thing that was absolute in that picture was the unsurety, but I think I am better off because of it. I think this way because I am nobody's baby. Though I love the person who is going to have to go through the hardest time in his life over the next 6 months, I also love me. I love who I am, and I am loved for being the real me and not this idealized stepford-like woman who I fought so hard for so long to not be. I did a pretty damned good job of not being that way. I did a pretty damned good job of at least trying to not be that stereotypical smiling on the outside while crying on the inside kinda gal, and the tears I cried were real, were deposits in sanity in my insane world, were the things that built the road on which I now travel, by myself, but truly not alone. So, everything that I own is in a storage facility in Upland, CA., and my kids and I are living between two places - one, my parent's house and the other, a woman who I am now sure I never really lost touch with in a spiritual sense and one who is not only my cousin, but also one of my very best friends in this life and in this world. When I hurt so bad, she is the one who does me the favor of never feeling sorry for me, of reminding me that this is temporary, and that she is there. I do not have to worry about Gracie growing up to be some weird, skanky girl who knows too much about stuff she does not need to know about at the tender age of 10, and I do not have to worry about Jeremy and Joshua not having a man in their lives while their father is away learning all over again how to be one, because my cousin's husband is an exemplary father, an exemplary man, and exemplary humanitarian - he has to be: he has more women in his life and under his roof than any guy I know. I figure that my two boys are a respite from the estrogen-induced nutiness that has the chance to rear its head from time to time...hence the reason that I also stay with my parents, where the estrogen level is also at an all time high. There is never anything quite more forgiving than knowing that there are people in this world who can identify with a situation, understand that it is not pity which is sought but a gentle reminder that the world still turns and life does go on and like all else that passes, this, too, shall pass. Today I woke up too damned early, and tomorrow I will probably pay dearly for it but I also know that tomorrow I will wake up to another day which will be frought with dragons which must be slain by my sword.... ...yeah, that sword.... ...the one with the pink handle... MAPU |
That which is good for us also hurts so badly
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I think the thing that bothers me the most about having left my
situation is not that 20 years has managed to slip by and I remained in
the situation, but instead is that I knew at the beginning that this
would not be one of those "forever" things. Nothing ever is. I won't
lie- I hurt Tuesday night, and it is Saturday night, and it still
hurts, but I am stronger than the hurt is. It seems like everyone in my
life who should be a little less crass have decided that they know
better than I do about almost everything. There are only a few who are
helping with the kids, and I don't mean physically, but emotionally. My
kids have been through so much in so little time that taking more away
from them now just seems so cruel.
I guess I am supposed to be one of those vengeful and vindictive abused spouses, but I am not, and it seems that there are a few people who don't get it when it comes to kids - no matter how hurt I am, they are hurt more. And they are who I am most concerned about right now. Sure, yeah, their dad is trying his ass off to make sure that I know he loves me, and he is doing all he can to do his part in the repairation of their broken little lives, and it might be too late for us, but it is not ever going to be too late for my kids. They need him. He needs them. That is that.
I didn't realize that people like to transfer their own feelings of a situation onto a situation, and I thought that this was my life and thought that I was supposed to do less to harm my kids. I thought I was doing the right thing by them. It seems though that the going mentality is that I am supposed to hate the man who fathered my kids. I'm sorry, folks, but that ain't gonna happen. I ain't planning on sharing quarters with the man again, not planning on sharing my life with him anymore, but I share kids with him, and having them all hurt so bad is the thing that I am so focused on changing right now. They have had so much pain forced onto them by adults who cared only about themselves and now that it is time that they would be so readily served with compassion...well, it probably doesn't matter, because they are my kids, and since they are my kids-
We are going by my rules.
I had to save them, because they saved me just by being here, and I owe it to them to do all I can to lessen any further pain. I don't know what they are going through, but I can imagine, and that pain is real, and the more that people tell them that their father is a bad man, the more they resent the people who tell them this. He is not a bad person, but rather a person who walked around life with a limp because he had his head squarely up his own ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah...it is a little too late for him to be thinking that he is going to do right by me, but Jesus Christ, let the man prove himself to his kids. They are all he has in this life, and I will not stand between them. They are his life. They are my life.
I could sit here and write all I want about what it is that I am going through on my own, but it would ring hollow on some folks because they just don't understand what happens when a marriage of 20 years disintegrates into the powdery nothingness of "was". I don't regret having been married to him all that time. I learned a lot about the nature of human beings, and I had one hell of a lab animal to test this on. I can though that I would never wish this pain on anyone at all, because not everyone has the strength to hold their heads up high, to be grateful for the support, to be able to look another person in the eye and actually feel like they are taking me seriously. I don't want pity - I want a second job so I can graciously leave the sanctity of my graciously wonderful cousin's house. I don't want sympathy - I want to be able to take care of my kids without anyone else's rage and hatred blinding them to the fact that my kids are really hurting right now, and though they are resilient, they are still, in fact, kids, ones who have not been their ages in a long, long time.
Lots of people think that leaving such a situation is easy, and many more believe that adding more heartache to the situation in any way at all is the way to make myself feel better, but it isn't. I am a compassionate creature. I want everyone to feel as wonderful and as important as they can all the time. I could sit here and make jokes and could sit here and type some sappy, pitiful rendition of the Poor Me Symphony, but the fact is that I am actually lighter now for having had all this happen in so quick a time that I have not had time to feel sorry for myself. I don't want to, because the world hates to pity people who are strong.
Few people on this planet would be able to go through what I went through and still look the person they loved so much in the eye and be able to stomach the sight of them. I am one of those few. I was raised Christian, I was raised Hawaiian. Because of these two things about me, I cannot hate someone who I loved so much, who I still love so much, and not for the marriage or the time, but because he is a creature God made. He is someone who is without family, and the only family in the world he has are me and these kids. We do not have to be married to be family. His greatest fear in the world is being in this life alone, with no one and having no one love him for the sake of being a worthy human being. While I live and breathe, we may not "be together," but will be something more - family. Wives come and go, but family stays, real family, that is. This is what my mother taught me, and this is the only lesson in life, if any at all, that I hope this person with whom I spent my last twenty years of breathing with understands.
Spouses can be temporary.
Family is forever.
Some would have me leave him and never talk to him again, not let him see kids we share as parents, become the thing that I so loathe.
Ask yourself a question - if it were you, would you want yet one more fucking person telling you that you are doing what it is that you have no idea how to do, the wrong way?
Fuck no you wouldn't.
Fuck no.
You wouldn't.
And I ain't pointing fingers, because I know that people experience similar events differently. The world does not revolve around me, and the people in my life do not have to agree with the way that I handle some things. Hell, some people might even stop talking to me all together, and that is fine, because they have that choice to make, the choice between staying angry with me because I do not agree with them, or understanding what it is like to have to see people you love so much having their lives torn apart, and worse, having others help in the demolition of it all.
Say nothing until you have walked that miracle mile in unfamiliar shoes...
MAPU
I guess I am supposed to be one of those vengeful and vindictive abused spouses, but I am not, and it seems that there are a few people who don't get it when it comes to kids - no matter how hurt I am, they are hurt more. And they are who I am most concerned about right now. Sure, yeah, their dad is trying his ass off to make sure that I know he loves me, and he is doing all he can to do his part in the repairation of their broken little lives, and it might be too late for us, but it is not ever going to be too late for my kids. They need him. He needs them. That is that.
I didn't realize that people like to transfer their own feelings of a situation onto a situation, and I thought that this was my life and thought that I was supposed to do less to harm my kids. I thought I was doing the right thing by them. It seems though that the going mentality is that I am supposed to hate the man who fathered my kids. I'm sorry, folks, but that ain't gonna happen. I ain't planning on sharing quarters with the man again, not planning on sharing my life with him anymore, but I share kids with him, and having them all hurt so bad is the thing that I am so focused on changing right now. They have had so much pain forced onto them by adults who cared only about themselves and now that it is time that they would be so readily served with compassion...well, it probably doesn't matter, because they are my kids, and since they are my kids-
We are going by my rules.
I had to save them, because they saved me just by being here, and I owe it to them to do all I can to lessen any further pain. I don't know what they are going through, but I can imagine, and that pain is real, and the more that people tell them that their father is a bad man, the more they resent the people who tell them this. He is not a bad person, but rather a person who walked around life with a limp because he had his head squarely up his own ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah...it is a little too late for him to be thinking that he is going to do right by me, but Jesus Christ, let the man prove himself to his kids. They are all he has in this life, and I will not stand between them. They are his life. They are my life.
I could sit here and write all I want about what it is that I am going through on my own, but it would ring hollow on some folks because they just don't understand what happens when a marriage of 20 years disintegrates into the powdery nothingness of "was". I don't regret having been married to him all that time. I learned a lot about the nature of human beings, and I had one hell of a lab animal to test this on. I can though that I would never wish this pain on anyone at all, because not everyone has the strength to hold their heads up high, to be grateful for the support, to be able to look another person in the eye and actually feel like they are taking me seriously. I don't want pity - I want a second job so I can graciously leave the sanctity of my graciously wonderful cousin's house. I don't want sympathy - I want to be able to take care of my kids without anyone else's rage and hatred blinding them to the fact that my kids are really hurting right now, and though they are resilient, they are still, in fact, kids, ones who have not been their ages in a long, long time.
Lots of people think that leaving such a situation is easy, and many more believe that adding more heartache to the situation in any way at all is the way to make myself feel better, but it isn't. I am a compassionate creature. I want everyone to feel as wonderful and as important as they can all the time. I could sit here and make jokes and could sit here and type some sappy, pitiful rendition of the Poor Me Symphony, but the fact is that I am actually lighter now for having had all this happen in so quick a time that I have not had time to feel sorry for myself. I don't want to, because the world hates to pity people who are strong.
Few people on this planet would be able to go through what I went through and still look the person they loved so much in the eye and be able to stomach the sight of them. I am one of those few. I was raised Christian, I was raised Hawaiian. Because of these two things about me, I cannot hate someone who I loved so much, who I still love so much, and not for the marriage or the time, but because he is a creature God made. He is someone who is without family, and the only family in the world he has are me and these kids. We do not have to be married to be family. His greatest fear in the world is being in this life alone, with no one and having no one love him for the sake of being a worthy human being. While I live and breathe, we may not "be together," but will be something more - family. Wives come and go, but family stays, real family, that is. This is what my mother taught me, and this is the only lesson in life, if any at all, that I hope this person with whom I spent my last twenty years of breathing with understands.
Spouses can be temporary.
Family is forever.
Some would have me leave him and never talk to him again, not let him see kids we share as parents, become the thing that I so loathe.
Ask yourself a question - if it were you, would you want yet one more fucking person telling you that you are doing what it is that you have no idea how to do, the wrong way?
Fuck no you wouldn't.
Fuck no.
You wouldn't.
And I ain't pointing fingers, because I know that people experience similar events differently. The world does not revolve around me, and the people in my life do not have to agree with the way that I handle some things. Hell, some people might even stop talking to me all together, and that is fine, because they have that choice to make, the choice between staying angry with me because I do not agree with them, or understanding what it is like to have to see people you love so much having their lives torn apart, and worse, having others help in the demolition of it all.
Say nothing until you have walked that miracle mile in unfamiliar shoes...
MAPU
Secrets
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I am not someone who likes to say bad things about other people, no
matter what it is they may have done to me personally. This blog post
is not about me, but rather is a story that has a lesson in it for us
all. I don't know how many people reading this will know about the
thick mixture of the pain of loss with the light of hope attached to
it, and if you do, then understand that you are not alone. If you
don't, hope that you never have to deal with this.
I am a victim of spousal abuse. At this time in my life, it is not the physical sort, but the mental and emotional sort, the kind that stays with you, haunts every crevice of youor memory and erodes your spirit. I tried to hide it, but being abused shows itself in ways other than only bruises and broken bones. I had neither of those. I suffered through many years of being told that I am stupid, sometimes worthless, a whore, a (rhymes with punt), along with a string of other bad things that no person -whether male or female- should ever have to think that someone else thinks they are.
Right now I am in that spot where things are great for me personally. Hell, I got a great job with a great company. I just graduated with my Associates and am starting on my Bachelors in Communications. My oldest starts high school in a few days. My only daughter FINALLY is going to a school with a cousin! They have cousins! And my baby boy is no longer afraid to pee in an actual toilet instead of the danged back yard like a little dog.
The other side of that, because we all know that there are two sides to everything, is the torture that I have allowed myself to go through, hoping upon hope that this would not happen because the person you married has become someone you do not know and someone who you no longer recognize. Yes, my husband has lots of issues, and yes, he has very bad health. He also has bad memories of a childhood that spanned into his adult life in the form of anger, hatred and resentment mixed with a tumultuous tonic of substance abuse. I advocate the use of marijuana as medicine, but what I do not advocate is the use of said medication as something that will serve as an equalizer. He used it as an equalizer.
So we come to this - I left the situation, and I took my kids with me, and though he loves them very much, probably me, too, this is not something that I looked forward to having to go through. But I did, and I am, and I will make it through this.
I decided the night I left that this is my life, and since this is my life, I will go on in my life to do great things, not for me, but for my children, because they are all who matter to me. These kids have suffered a great deal of loss in a very short period of time. I have found that they are strong kids, and kids who long for the chance to be kids who do not have to hear their parents arguing over 2 cents worth of cookies. I cannot suffer them longer, and I will not suffer longer myself.
I could sit here and tell you that it won't happen to you, but I would be lying, because abuse in any form can and does happen to anyone.
It can even happen to you.
If you are being abused, don't just leave for the kids, but also for the fact that you are just as worthy as anyone else is.
And if you know me personally, see yourself in this example and need someone to talk to, you know how to find me.
I love you all
MAPU
I am a victim of spousal abuse. At this time in my life, it is not the physical sort, but the mental and emotional sort, the kind that stays with you, haunts every crevice of youor memory and erodes your spirit. I tried to hide it, but being abused shows itself in ways other than only bruises and broken bones. I had neither of those. I suffered through many years of being told that I am stupid, sometimes worthless, a whore, a (rhymes with punt), along with a string of other bad things that no person -whether male or female- should ever have to think that someone else thinks they are.
Right now I am in that spot where things are great for me personally. Hell, I got a great job with a great company. I just graduated with my Associates and am starting on my Bachelors in Communications. My oldest starts high school in a few days. My only daughter FINALLY is going to a school with a cousin! They have cousins! And my baby boy is no longer afraid to pee in an actual toilet instead of the danged back yard like a little dog.
The other side of that, because we all know that there are two sides to everything, is the torture that I have allowed myself to go through, hoping upon hope that this would not happen because the person you married has become someone you do not know and someone who you no longer recognize. Yes, my husband has lots of issues, and yes, he has very bad health. He also has bad memories of a childhood that spanned into his adult life in the form of anger, hatred and resentment mixed with a tumultuous tonic of substance abuse. I advocate the use of marijuana as medicine, but what I do not advocate is the use of said medication as something that will serve as an equalizer. He used it as an equalizer.
So we come to this - I left the situation, and I took my kids with me, and though he loves them very much, probably me, too, this is not something that I looked forward to having to go through. But I did, and I am, and I will make it through this.
I decided the night I left that this is my life, and since this is my life, I will go on in my life to do great things, not for me, but for my children, because they are all who matter to me. These kids have suffered a great deal of loss in a very short period of time. I have found that they are strong kids, and kids who long for the chance to be kids who do not have to hear their parents arguing over 2 cents worth of cookies. I cannot suffer them longer, and I will not suffer longer myself.
I could sit here and tell you that it won't happen to you, but I would be lying, because abuse in any form can and does happen to anyone.
It can even happen to you.
If you are being abused, don't just leave for the kids, but also for the fact that you are just as worthy as anyone else is.
And if you know me personally, see yourself in this example and need someone to talk to, you know how to find me.
I love you all
MAPU
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